Shot's got a bit too much headroom, but hey, first ever moment captured with me handling an SLR. Haha. Pretty pretty camera.

So the semester's coming to a close. And I'm suppose to be freaking out and burying my head in mountains of books and spending hours on end in radio editing suites. But, I'm not. Infact, I spend my time watching videos on youtube about children who are prematurely born/born with disabilities/born with defects. Yes, seems like I have a tad too much time on my hands. But I think this random spurge of youtube surfing made me re-realise how we really don't have problems. Problems that we tend to dramatise and blow out of proportion, that we waste enormous amounts of time brooding and moping over. Honestly, what's our "hard time" compared to people who actually, literally have to suffer and not in a poetic manner. I know babies, when they get older, may not remember the pain they went through, but that's if they even get through it. And it just wrenches the heart when you see a complicated maze of tubes running in and out this tiny human being. It's impossible to even begin to imagine how much he/she is struggling.

Having watched all those videos made me sad. Made me feel. Something I haven't done in a while. I recognise that "feeling" consists of more than just being sad/emo, but I find that that's the only emotion that tells me my heart is where it should be. And I discovered just today (at least for now), that I don't want to feel love. I'm afraid of love. Because this 4 letter emotion comes with too much beauty and happiness that is at the same time tied to a possibility of a massive heartbreak that I don't think any part of me can ever weather again.

This may be in the heat of the moment, but I'm really considering volunteering at a children's hospital. Maybe not here, but when I go back for holidays. Since it's too short to do anything full time, and I'm not gonna allow some agency to exploit me at intern pay, I should do smth that gives back.

Friends, please restrain from berating me about this/tell me how I'm never gonna get down to volunteering. You know how I like to just steep in sad waters once in a while/then you don't know me all that well if you don't know I ever thought of going into humanitarian.

How did this post end up on such a note!?

Ok! Completely wet blanket-ish, but time for ice cream and maybe some research before bed.