After reading a friend's blog and her consistent entries, I felt very ashamed with mine and what I've allowed it to become. I used to find an excess of joy sharing my day, my thoughts, my happiness, my worries on a blogging platform. But I think most of all, I miss exercising my fingers and my language. I think I've done too many essays, so many that it made every other form of writing a huge chore. Even filling up the "long" answer section of a survey's a pain which I avoid at all costs. And I realise that I start to say less in my entries when I hear that people I detest or don't particularly like are reading. Maybe it's just my sheer insecurity. But this space is different. Few know of this space so I can finally exercise my freedom without worrying. Another thing to exercise in this new phase of blogging.

Even though now's not an appropriate time to start rekindling my love for this (thanks to an essay I need to complete by tonight, due tomorrow, and I want to be able to go out for drinks tonight), I want to just kick it off with recounting some downs that have been riling me especially when I'm trying to sleep at night (or morning for that matter, I usually sleep at 5am now).

Just recently, I severed ties with someone I thought was my good friend. And maybe I'm being a little too harsh, but I cannot conceive how a person who walks around calling me her best / good friend could hang out with my most recent ex behind my back. My ex, a total dickhead (and that's being kind), is another story all together, but my friend, someone who's known me and shared many ups and downs with me for so many years withheld this recent development from me with the excuse - "waiting for the right time". There's never a right time for things like that. This was what set me off to think that it was on its way to being more than just hanging out as friends. I don't know which is worse. Her keeping everything from me, or that she was actually considering dating the guy.

Just for the record, my ex and I are, till today, not on talking terms due to complications of the past. I do not discount the effort he has made to try and be friends again, but it was just too soon for me. The mess, pain and anger still lived, and still does, quite vividly in my mind and heart and I still needed time to come to terms with the disappointment that he turned out to be (which I have already told him by the way, not in these exact words of course). Knowing this, my apparent friend still went ahead with his advances on her, and retained all of it from me. Even if she didn't know in detail why he and I weren't on talking terms today, I'm sure she knew full well what it would do to our friendship if she even bore the thought of hooking up with my ex.

Maybe it was just that I never expected her, of all people, to have done what she's done. Because she gave me the impression that our friendship meant a lot and that she understood very clearly where I stand when it comes to dating a good friend's ex. And maybe I held her in too high regard when I really shouldn't have.

Whether they are really dating today, or only have something brewing under the covers, I cannot bring myself to stay close friends with someone who's too close for comfort with an ex. Maybe I'm the bad guy here, but if you don't love me enough to understand me and realise the things I'm uncomfortable with, I have to love myself enough to not want to put myself through all the awkwardness, unhappiness and stay and watch the friendship decay into a pile of maggots.