Forgive my self-indulgence and my absolute lack of updates in the last couple of months, but I'm in deperate need of a channel of relief.

I've been so used to just surviving, I forgot what living felt like. What being happy does to you inside. And it was good while it lasted, and then it faded and the sadness set back in worse than before.

I truly wanted to believe that I'm as magnanimous as I make myself out to be, but truth is, I'm as selfish and unreasonable with my partner as I am with myself.

I've been fighting how I've been feeling for longer than I can remember. When I'm angry, I fight to prevent my blood from surging out of my popping veins. When I'm upset, I fight to try and keep my head above the water. And in the little pockets of time I feel that very faint impression of bliss, I fight to keep reality from stealing it away. But above all, I fight the tears back. The tears triggered by the thought that we've already lost it all.

I'm thoroughly worned out by all the fighting.

The sinking feeling you get in the pit of your stomach combined with a perpetual literal pain in the heart is the worst feeling on earth. Forget starvation or chemo therapy. That's all child's play.

I hate you for having done what you did. I hate you for who you are. I hate that you don't get it. I hate that you never spared a thought for me. I hate that you're such a fucking hedonist. I hate that the thought of you still stirs me.